The Last Soccer Game

A year ago, if you told me I won't enjoy playing soccer soon, I would laugh. Today, I had my last game. No one forced me to stop. It's a decision all by myself. And it's a rational decision.

I am not a professional player. I am not even good. But I love soccer. Still do. I started playing at 6 and stopped at 37. Until 8 months ago, for the previous 15 years, I played almost once every week.

Initially, I thought I had tore a ligament on my left knee. My teammate had recovered from a cruciate ligament injury not longer ago. It took him about a year to be able to play again. That's the worst case scenario, I thought. Then, one of my best friends, who happened to be my orthopedist as well, said there's no ligament damage. I rested for a couple weeks and tried running again. Still painful. I went for an MRI. It showed some wear in my knee cartilage but it's nothing uncommon for my age. I decided I should lose some weight to reduce the workload of my knees so that the pain would go away. I lost 10 pounds in the first month and another 10 pounds in the next two months. I would play a game and had some pain over the next few days. I would rest for 2-3 weeks until I tried running again. The pain would come back within a couple minutes of running. The pain itself, in fact, has not been that bad. If I could overcome my instinct and not worry about the pain getting worse, I would keep playing.

After a few months, my doctor declared that it's the kneecap cartilage damage. The official name is chondromalacia patellae, so I found on my beloved Wikipedia. Cartilage cannot regenerate. It's a fact I learned long ago but had forgotten. The future is grim and the options are limited. Periodical injections could act as lubricant and alleviate pains. I tried once. Nothing has changed. Surgery is no longer popular for its ineffectiveness. I could continue to play despite the slight pain but I felt the increasing workload on my right leg and the deterioration of my playing performance. The ache in my heart knowing I would be a much inferior player outweighs the pain endured physically. I could stop playing and preserve my knees for the second half of my life, hopefully anyway.

We had a team photo today. It's a tradition we have a team photo whenever new jerseys are distributed each year. A couple weeks ago, I declined the opportunity to order the new jersey. It was a rational decision too. Why spending another HK$350 if you wouldn't wear it often? In this team photo, I did not wear the new team jersey. Thinking about this would be my last team photo made me cry.

I disdained myself sometimes when I was playing soccer. Those were the occasions I had no control over my temper and often did something I regret, like yelling at your teammates. On the bright side, now I have a smaller opportunity to lose my mind. The only sport I can do now is swimming. Breaststroke was the only style I was capable of but then I found that straightening my knee hard would hurt. So I learned freestyle. I am still not good at it but I have the remainder of my lifetime to improve it. Swimming has never been my favorite sport. The vicissitudes of life is like a joke. This time, the joke is on me.